I want to share with you how God has picked up my life and changed it in a way that I could not have ever imagined. In a way that I can't believe I am deserving of, and I am humbled and feeling open and raw, to the glory of God.
On Tuesday, April 17th I got a phone call from my good friend Michelle, letting me know that I needed to pray for our friends Matt and Tammy and their baby girl Emma Joy. Emma had been having seizures off and on that day and she had taken a turn for the worse.
The Doctors had told Matt and Tammy a while back that they thought Emma had cerebral palsy, the last few weeks before this, they were questioning if this was the issue.
Over the next 48 hours the Grubbs came to find out the Emma was blind and the issues she was having coincided with Lysosoml Storage disease. A disease that they are yet to find a cure for.
That Thursday night I went to the hospital with Matt and Tammy, sitting in a quiet room, it wasn't hard to feel the pressure of unanswered questions and fear of what was to come. I choose the word fear here, not because we weren't clinging to God, but because we were overcome with the unknown!
Over the next few days that fear for myself and I believe I could speak on behalf of Tammy to say, that fear was mostly subsided with heart gripping trust and tearful dependence of God.
They spent a few more long days in the hospital being monitored and loving on their baby girl.
On Friday the 27th the Grubbs asked that a few close friends and family come over and help plan out the remaining time that Emma had with us. You could see the pain and questions on each and every persons face in the livingroom that night. But praise God for His faith and encouragement, because I got to see my dear friends cling to the God they trust while answering questions and encouraging other not to be scared. Tammy said something that night that I don't believe will ever leave my mind, because to me, to me it was God opening my eyes to Job 2:10. Tammy was able to tell her family and people she loves the most, that this IS Gods plan, they are heartbroken, but they trust. She told us that her baby girl would be brought up to heaven and made into an angel at the foot of Christ. What would they have to be fearful about?! She told us that her flesh and pride says God why and leave her with us, but Tammy knows her good God and she trusts!
As I started making phone calls and finding out details on how to plan a funeral, it became unsettling to me, to plan a funeral of a baby girl, that sits beside me. I started to question if it was time for that already? As I sat and told my small group about this feeling and where I was with it, it came to me that this was something that Tammy and Matt wanted done, so that when this time came, they would not have to plan everything, and mourn the loss of their baby girl at the same time. It hit me that this was God calling me to do the harder thing, to set up and be Christ to them. WOW! GOD CHOSE ME! This wasn't what I wanted, this wasn't something I saw myself doing or took pride in. I did it because this was God plan for me to be apart of! Praise Him!
On Sunday the 29th I sat next to Matt and Tammy in church while Brad preached on Real Worship, and kneeling and bowing down to God. What a sweet memory this is to me to watch them sit with their baby girl and bowing down at the foot of the cross. They were broken with all the unknowns.
Over the next few days Emma was back in the hospitals with more seizures, and had not been eating. When I got to the hospital that night Tammy told me that after 30 seizures she stopped counting, I don't tell you this for a shock factor, although it was shocking, I tell you this to speak of Tammy's faith. I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. (Psalm 16:8)
Over the next few days, people were in and out of the hospital with prayers and encouragement, it was a great thing to be able to see our Church body at work. I would go to the hospital anytime Tammy wanted, but my favorite time was at night, after the people had gone and the Doctors had done test. I felt that I could sit with Matt and Tammy and cry and laugh and see a side of them that was so powerful to me. To watch their relationship at such a raw moment in their lives, was a treasure I am so grateful for. Only by Gods grace.
Friday afternoon May11th I sat in the hospital room with the Grubbs, sweet Emma Joy, Tammy's parents and Matt's brother and sister in law. It was a quiet afternoon, and as each day was so sombersom, this day started off different. Tammy said they were able to give Emma a bath and she was doing well that both her and Matt were able to go down and get breakfast together outside. It really was a beautiful sunshine day.
a few minutes past 8:00pm Emma Joy, by Gods grace, went to be with my God that I praise. My God that I honor and love. My God that I server and trust. She went to be with my God! I have no words to tell you how I feel about being in Emma's story the last few hours she was with us here on the earth. I do have great words of power knowing I'll see her again!
There were so many moments that day where I can clearly say, God works in big ways, God saw the pain and the hurt, He moved and comforted. Those moments are precious to me and I would be honored to share them with you one on one.
Over the next few days I began feeling off and wondering if I might have been pregnant. I have to be honest and say that my first thoughts were, that would be awesome, but I want to wait until after Emma's funeral and things settle down. Well knowing me, Monday morning I took a test and saw both lines, I
After the funeral was over and normal fine wanted to get started again, I was faced with a unsettling emotions of sadness and joy. I woke up the next few days wondering if I should be overwhelmed by grief for the life that was taken so soon or overtaken by the joy of God's grace and the new life He has placed inside me. This at times seemed so burdensome I wasn't sure what to think. I feel as though I'm just sitting with a blank mind. As I shared this with friends, I came aware of something that I had been praying for over the last few months.
My prayer was that God would grow me in a new way this year, that I would become a stronger rooted, more aware and a deeper Christian, I wanted my life to be moved and pushed in a way it haded been moved before. Although I can promise this was not the way I would have come up with or would have asked for it. This is God's good plan. While I still wonder why I carry this baby right now, why this month. I know that God has not given me anything I cannot persevere through, and I will carry my banner of faith, even in the valley. I can say now, the valley will make you more than Christ, and who am I, for Him to choose me to be in this valley. What a great God Emma and I praise together on this day!
Psalm 18:16-19
16 He sent from above, He took me;
He drew me out of many waters.
17 He delivered me from my strong enemy,
From those who hated me,
For they were too strong for me.
18 They confronted me in the day of my calamity,
But the Lord was my support.
19 He also brought me out into a broad place;
He delivered me because He delighted in me.
He drew me out of many waters.
17 He delivered me from my strong enemy,
From those who hated me,
For they were too strong for me.
18 They confronted me in the day of my calamity,
But the Lord was my support.
19 He also brought me out into a broad place;
He delivered me because He delighted in me.
Lord, I pray that your will be done in my life, God I honor and lift up your name on High, Lord would you show me how I am to take each step, and Lord would you lift up my broken hearted, dear dear friends Matt and Tammy, Lord would you show them your unconditional love. Lord thank you for giving me people to show me what it looks like to be humbled by the name of Christ!
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| May 11th 2012 |
